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Bitch-O-Scope Horoscopes - January 2011

Bitch-O-Scope Horoscopes - January 2011

Capricorn January 2011 Mom and Dad will be announcing their divorce on January 4th, because Mom moved in with her new wrestler boyfriend. And on January 7th, Dad will be arrested for manufacturing methamphetamine. On January 12th, you will make a visit to the adoption agency, and on the 13th, they will let you bring your new parents home. Your new parents turn out to be too much trouble (what, with all the house training!), so you return them for a partial refund on January 20th. Aquarius January 2011 You will meet this really hot Libra on January 4th, and by the 7th, they will have spent all of your lottery winnings and moved on to a Sagittarius. Then, your Gemini ex will break into your home and steal your collection of beanie bears on January 10th. The cops will arrest your ex on January 12th, and on January 17th that Libra will get arrested running naked through a grocery store. And, they said those little dolls and pins wouldn't work. (wink) Pisces January 2011 A Taurus coworker will be inviting you to the party of the century on January 4th, and there you will experience love at first sight. She has long hair and beautiful, round, brown eyes. She is a 3 year old border collie named Molly. And, the funny thing is... that Taurus won't even notice that the dog is missing. Start saving your money, because there is going to be a big ass Groundhog's Day party at Sturgis. Molly just loves chasing Groundhogs! Aries January 2011 Run, run, run little Aries. Most of this month I see you running and running. Then on January 22nd you will reach your final destination. Yes... Its the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Too bad that rainbow had to land on Karma's outhouse. Don't forget to bring a shovel. Taurus January 2011 Your Solar Eclipse party on January 4th is going to be THE party of the year! The whole town is going to show up, even a few celebrities. And... they will all have their cell phones handy when you decide to jump in the pool naked. Mom will see the pictures on Facebook on the 13th, and you will be checking back into rehab on the 18th. Dad will come and visit on the 23rd, and the electro-shock therapy will begin on the 31st. But... it really was a GREAT party! Gemini January 2011 Get out the "I'm sorry" t-shirt, because you will be spending the first 16 days of this month making amends for ALL the fun you had last month. Your EPT test will come up positive January 16th, but you will find out on the 17th that it was just a false alarm. That tea that Karma gave you for Christmas was laced with estrogen. The boss will catch you playing video games on the 26th, and then its back to the temp agency. Good-luck! Cancer January 2011 Your lunar energy will be radiating with the solar eclipse on January 4th, and the probability is high that you will either find yourself in a straight-jacket or in a Thorazine stupor before the day is over. Some people call it lunacy, but you call it insight. You'll get to go home on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, and you will stay there until the 26th when the Sheriff puts you out. Don't worry. The Salvation Army will have plenty of room, and plenty of food. Leo January 2011 A Taurus friend will invite you to a fabulous eclipse party on January 4th, and the judge will be sentencing you to a $1500 fine and 6 months of community service on January 7th. You will run into an old friend from high school on January 17th, and you and your friend will win big at the casino on January 19th. You will take the money and run away to Tijuana on the 20th. Adios! Virgo January 2011 You have been listening to the neighbor's dog yap and yap for months now, and on January 10th, you're going to blow! Your neighbor will be pressing charges on January 11th. I mean really... kidnapping the dog and taking it to Cleveland IS rather extreme. The angels will be sending you a miracle on January 18th when the Dog Whisperer arrives. Too bad part of your fine will be to pay his fees. Libra January 2011 You will be hosting the eclipse party at the retirement center on January 4th, and one of the residents (a really sweet Taurus man with no teeth) will offer you his car keys to run out for more booze. The state police will arrest you for grand theft auto on the 7th. And, as usual, Mom will "fix" everything on the 10th. I see a job offer coming on January 23rd, so you may want to dust off the mud boots. Scorpio January 2011 Your life will be full of love and romance the first 6 days of January, but your "special friend" will escape on the 7th and return to his family. This really sexy Virgo will walk into your life on January 17th, and on January 18th you will find out that they are your 2nd cousin. I see an accident with 2 carts and a fat lady at the grocery store on January 26th, but low and behold, she ends up being your long lost half sister. Sagittarius January 2011 You'll be riding lightning the first 5 days of January, and you should find the recharge refreshing. You were wanting to add some curl to your hair. I see you going out on a date with a Gemini on January 11th, and you will dump them for their Aries friend on the 13th. But, it will actually work out just fine. I see a threesome on the Full Moon. Make sure you've got the VW Bus tuned up, because there's a road trip coming on the 22nd.
Bitching Blaze is a fictional character and resident Astrologer at PsychicBitch where you get absolutely free psychic readings and the absolute truth. psychicbitch psychicbitch

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